G.I. Joe film script reviewed… and it sucks.

Potential script spoilers here, so follow after the break–

Latino Review’s got a look at the latest G.I. Joe film script, and it ain’t pretty…


When Dark Horizons reported back in March that Lorenzo Di Bonaventura would begin work on a G.I. JOE movie once TRANSFORMERS wrapped, I was pretty damn excited. As a kid, JOE was probably my second favorite toy line, outside STAR WARS. I devoured the comics, watched the cartoon every morning, and got my hands on every action figure and vehicle my parents would allow. So, like a lot of you, I’m pretty invested in seeing these great characters find new life on the big screen.

And when I heard MARK WAHLBERG was being cast as DUKE, I was pretty happy. I mean, Wahlberg can play a tough military strike team leader as well as anyone, he’s a great action star, and perfect for this kind of movie. Now, granted, he looks a little more like FLINT (how could would it be to have Wahlberg as Flint and THOMAS JANE as Duke– that would kick ass!), but still– I could see it working.

Then, I started hearing word of a different direction for the film… that it would be a “buddy flick” teaming DUKE with Alex Mann AKA ACTION MAN, a British property that has ZERO relation to JOE. That sounded spectacularly lame to my ears, but still… I wanted to believe it could work…

But when I first heard that the movie wouldn’t feature COBRA as the villain, I just threw my hands up and said WTF?!!

Hey, let’s do a JOE movie that DOESN’T feature the only prominent enemy they’ve ever faced!!

Stupid, stupid, stupid…

Now Latino Review has even worse news. No SNAKE EYES (well, not really). No COBRA COMMANDER. No DESTRO. No STORM SHADOW. No ZARTAN. Just some guy named…

COOL DUDE.

I’ll pause to let you get that out of your system. I know, it takes a while.

Oh, and they kill SCARLETT halfway through.

You see where this one’s going. If this script happens, the G.I. JOE Movie– which some of us have waited DECADES for– is going to flat out suck. Its not going to resemble, in most any way, the story we all grew up enjoying. This is a complete slap in the face to Joe fans everywhere. Not only that, but even if the name of the film WASN’T G.I. Joe, and it was just some army fighter pic, it STILL sounds like it would suck. Why even waste the money on buying the rights if what you develop bears ZERO resemblance to the property at the end of the day?

And its such a cop-out to say the current world sentiment towards the States won’t allow a true G.I. Joe flick to get made. Please. This doesn’t need to be a political movie, in fact, it shouldn’t be. COBRA isn’t IRAQ. This is like saying people won’t go to a JAMES BOND movie because they don’t agree with something Tony Blair is doing. Weak.

Its ESCAPIST FANTASY. Tone the flag-waving down a bit, include some international Joes, and you won’t have any problems. Or if you really, truly do… hey, DON’T MAKE A MOVIE. Most of us would rather wait another ten years than see this get filmed.

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One Response to G.I. Joe film script reviewed… and it sucks.

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